As parents, we often find ourselves wondering why our child struggles with certain tasks, melts down over seemingly small issues, or resists routines that others seem to manage easily. Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical child psychologist and author of The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings, offers an approach that shifts the question from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What’s getting in this child’s way?”
Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) model—sometimes referred to as Collaborative & Proactive Solutions—helps parents move away from traditional punishment-and-reward systems and toward building skills and relationships through empathy, collaboration, and consistency.
A New Way of Thinking: Kids Do Well If They Can
At the heart of Greene’s philosophy is a simple but powerful idea: “Kids do well if they can.” This means that when children are struggling—whether with transitions, emotional regulation, or following instructions—it’s not because they’re unmotivated or manipulative. It’s because they lack the skills they need to meet the expectations being placed on them. These missing skills might include:
- Flexibility and adaptability
- Problem-solving
- Frustration tolerance
- Emotional regulation
Rather than trying to “fix” the behavior with consequences, the CPS approach encourages us to identify and teach the skills the child is missing through collaboration, not control.
How Collaborative Problem-Solving Works
Greene’s model offers a 3-step process for resolving problems with your child:
- Empathy Step: Start by gathering information about the child’s concern or perspective. Ask open-ended questions like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been getting upset at bedtime—can you tell me more about that?”Listen without correcting or judging.
- Define the Adult Concern: Next, calmly and clearly share your concern (e.g., safety, health, routines, etc.). “I understand you want more time before bed. My concern is that you need enough sleep to be rested for school.”
- Invitation to Collaborate: Now, work together to brainstorm solutions that address both concerns. “Let’s see if we can think of a way for you to feel more in control at bedtime while still getting enough sleep. Do you have any ideas?”
This process is not about giving in—it’s about working together to find realistic, durable solutions. It also models healthy communication, respect, and problem-solving.
Why This Approach Works
Research and experiences of parents who have used this approach have shown that CPS:
- Reduces explosive or defiant behavior over time
- Strengthens the parent-child relationship
- Builds skills children need to succeed in school, home, and social settings
- Lowers stress for the entire family
It’s particularly helpful for kids with ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), and other challenges—but it’s beneficial for all children.
Final Thought
Parenting is hard, especially when our kids are struggling. The Collaborative Problem-Solving approach offers a roadmap rooted in compassion, connection, and skill-building. It doesn’t promise quick fixes—but it offers something better: long-term growth, mutual respect, and a calmer home. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why is my child doing this?”, maybe the more helpful question is: “What’s getting in their way—and how can we solve it together?”
Resources for Parents
Books:
- The Explosive Child (great for behavior that feels extreme) by Dr. Ross Greene
- Raising Human Beings (broader parenting focus, helpful for all families) by Dr. Ross Greene
- Free resources, videos, assessment tools, and a supportive community
Facebook Group: The B Team
Podcast: The CPS Podcast
- Hear real stories and advice from Dr. Greene and others using the model
YouTube: Search for Ross Greene interviews, webinars, and talks