All parents have expectations of their children, whether we realize it or not. It turns out that many of us don’t think about what those expectations are until our child has violated them. We realize after the fact that we don’t think it’s ok if our child takes things off the grocery store shelf without asking, or interrupts when we’re talking on the phone, or grabs toys from other children.

If we don’t know what our expectations are, we can’t communicate them to our children. We may be setting our kids up for failure if we don’t teach them what we want.

To further complicate things, behavioral expectations are personal to us and our families. There’s no list that I know of to help us decide what are kids “should” be doing. Each family has to decide what their own expectations are. For example, my nieces and nephews in Georgia aren’t allowed to call adults by their first names, while all of the families we know in Queens allow that.

So, it pays to sit down and put some thought into how you expect your children to behave in different situations and with different people.

Here are some prompting questions:

• What are the rules when they’re home?
• What do you expect of them at meal times?
• What do you expect of them when they’re getting ready for school?
• How quiet do you expect them to be?
• What are the rules when they’re in a store?
• What are the rules when they’re on the train?
• What are the rules when they’re in the playground?
• What are the rules when they’re playing with their brothers or sisters?

Now that you’ve put some thought into what your expectations are, make sure your children also know very clearly what you expect of them. This discussion is best done before problems happen, not during or right after. Have a quick relaxed talk with your kids before you head out the door or before guests come over to let them know what you expect. Review the rules and the consequences for violation of the rules. Check that your children have heard and understood the rules by having them repeat them back to you. Keep it light and use humor, if you can.

Taking these simple, quick steps can prevent problems from happening later. And if problems do happen, your children won’t be able to tell you that they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong