“The Terrible Two’s” are called that because children typically start to have temper tantrums at around age two. Temper tantrums really can seem truly terrible. They’re difficult to watch and they can be embarrassing when they occur in public. Understanding why they occur can help parents manage them effectively.

Very young children simply don’t have the ability to manage disappointment, anger, and other strong emotions, so they express them physically. As children get older, they learn skills for calming down and talking about their negative emotions. So, why do some older children continue to have temper tantrums?

The most common reason is that parents often inadvertently reward tantrums by giving into them. It’s so tempting to want to make the noise and misbehavior stop. It seems easier to give the child what they want, just this one time.

Other children have special needs, such as autism or sensory processing difficulties, that make coping very hard. These children need more intensive help coping with their emotions.

Tips for Managing Tantrums:

• An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Both adults and children have trouble coping with strong emotions when they are hungry, tired, or ill. It makes sense to ensure that your child is well-rested and adequately fed if you know that you will be taking them into a challenging situation where frustration and disappointment are likely. Supermarkets, toy stores, play dates, and long car rides are prime locations for temper tantrums. Remember to bring snacks and allow your child some down time if they need it.

• Adjust your expectations if your child is ill, tired, or hungry. Expect that they will become more easily frustrated or upset. This may be the time to temporarily ease up on demands to complete chores, be social, or do homework.

• Parents have to be very careful not to give into tantrums when they occur. We don’t want to let children know that tantrums work to get what they want. Crying can be very aversive to parents, and tantrums can be embarrassing when they happen in public. Stand firm! Make sure that your child is in a safe place (away from traffic, walls, sharp objects and furniture) and move them if they aren’t. Then wait it out quietly and calmly.

• Teach your children how to  manage strong emotions. Parents can do this best through modeling. Label your own emotions and talk about what you’re doing to cope with them.  When your child is upset, label their emotions for them. Model and teach the use of coping statements, such as, “ You’ll feel better soon,” or it will be ok.” Teach your child to take deep breaths, splash cold water on their face, or distract themselves when they are having strong negative emotions.

Temper tantrums can seem distressing, but parents can view them as a valuable opportunity to teach their children how to manage strong emotions. If you’d like help managing temper tantrums or other problem child behaviors, AICT can help