Prior to my graduate training, I worked for several weeks in 2010 as a cameraman covering the aftermath of the magnitude 7.0 earthquake in Haiti. Through interviews and friendships with survivors and relief workers, I was struck by the fundamental and functional role of beliefs, and just how powerfully they can direct our experiences. As the weeks passed, individuals who believed that they should “tough it out,” avoid thinking about what happened, and continue to focus on their work, seemed to be as uneasy and apprehensive as when we first met. In contrast, those who allowed themselves to mourn, and take time off to process the intense emotional aftershocks of the disaster, seemed to be able to consolidate and arrange their experiences into a meaningful narrative.
Everyone was subjected to the same chaotic, uncontrollable, and deadly situation, and everyone lost friends and colleagues, some right in front of their eyes. So what led the trajectories of resilience and wellbeing to diverge so sharply? One crucial difference seemed to lie in the personal interpretations of the events, and how people believed they should have acted or how they should have felt during and after the events.
Many people are familiar with the anxiety, hypervigilance, and avoidance of reminders that follow trauma, but the role of guilt and shame is often under appreciated. In addition to beliefs about what could’ve or should’ve been done to prevent the trauma, there are similar expectations about what one should’ve felt during a trauma. When involuntary biophysical and biochemical processes uncontrollably produce feelings of pleasure, relief at being alive, or feeling nothing, many unfortunately conclude that somehow the trauma confirms a host of unmentionable character defects. Judgments of weakness, immorality, cowardice, or even psychopathy serve to ramp up the guilt and shame, and urge us to find relief. Intrusive repeating thoughts spin us around, and convince us that if we just figure out the right way to think and feel about the event, we’ll get rid of these terrible feelings and memories. Do these sound familiar?
- I should have known better.
- I should/shouldn’t have done/said….
- Why did/didn’t I…?
- I had no reason to…
- It’s my fault that … happened, because I …
- I did something wrong when I…
- I don’t deserve anything good.
- I deserved [the trauma, or other bad things] to happen.
Because these beliefs create so much anxiety and shame, most individuals understandably do everything they can to avoid them. So they go unchecked, and continue their endless campaign of character assassination. No one wants to feel defective, much less talk about these thoughts and feelings with someone else. Avoidance is the most natural and reflexive response, but it’s also the biggest driver of the distress, and makes things increasingly worse over time. It prevents any exploration of beliefs and attitudes, and destroys any chance of seeing whether or not we’re giving ourselves a fair shake.
Cognitive Therapy explores what we’re feeling and thinking about the events, and about ourselves. The strong emotions and intrusive thoughts usually hit us in one big awful ugly ball, and our efforts to avoid are so strong that we rarely take the time to sift through it all. It’s important to see how our reactions and interpretations make sense in the context of our experience, and equally important to see if they hold up to scrutiny.
By taking the time to “avoid avoidance” with a structured, paced, fair, and humane approach, we can really see whether we truly deserve the life sentence of guilt and shame that we would not dream of applying to others.
The traumatic event was horrible enough on its own. Even though it rarely feels like it, it is in the past. It’s over. What often keeps it around are the unchecked beliefs and attitudes we developed as a result of the experience, the unfair conclusions about our worth and our abilities, and the natural strategy to try and avoid it all. No one really wants to feel this way or talk about this stuff. It’s awful. But what if you gave yourself the permission to sort it all out and really see what’s what? If the guilt and shame aren’t truly deserved at the level of how they feel, wouldn’t you want to know?